• from "Primogenitive Folly" (58)

    by

    any second i will be exposed found out the fairy tale emperor nude on the street not that anyone would notice for after all who is interested in others more than oneself enough to pay attention that closely to find more than surface faults a button dangling loose on a thread a slight intrusive consonant shift when speaking after several drinks a thought would never be noticed embedded as it is in the language like sand wedged into an oyster a small irritant yet still enough with time so obviously it is not the stares and laughter of the people on the street that make me cower like a simpering syncohophant but the fear that i will expose myself to myself the mask removed as yeats went on about reveals another mask but to me without a mask it would be like staring into the face of god annihilation not because of the omnicious presence but rather the omnivorous absence that waits beneath all the fluff and blather that spews from me like the clouds of black ink from a squid in full retreat it is safer not to look to avert my glance to watch the sand dance then settle to be stirred before again returning to the shore certainly never watch the waves nor think about the moon stay at home burrow deeper instead of breaking walls cast up more i self advise mask upon mask layer upon layer bury everything beneath a multi hierarchical camouflage yet without a convergence without a center to be revealed bury the sarcophagus the king is dead long live the king

    (August 2001-April 2003)

  • Another Sigh

    another sigh follows the first
    an unvoiced prayer I read once
    so prayer piles on prayer to heaven

    not so much the worry as the cliched
    reaction and response from myself
    and others: maybe it’s not true

    maybe if the word isn’t spoken
    the spirit will not be called
    the stroke will remain yet to fall

    I sigh yet again worrying
    the smallest ache, the slightest
    difference into a panalopy of symptoms

    the words, all words, are cliché
    meaning trails in an icebreaker’s wake
    ice fragments jostling for reformation

    (Summer 2006)

  • Researcher In My Classroom

    Since September I have had a doctoral canidate in my classroom doing research on writing conferences. I was leery of doing this at first, as well as eager for her to come into my room. I like the comfort level I have in my classroom with my students. I can be who I am as a teacher with relative ease after the first week of school. The students at first are entertained by my presence then settle into the routine of the class and become a part of my jabber on writing and literature. When others come into the room, I am disturbed by the presence of someone else who is not my target audience, but yet an audience nonetheless. I trusted Anna because she had been in a number of my doc classes when I was still a part of the program. I had seen her mind work, so she was not a complete unknown.
    Without being disengenous I have not ever been sure what it is I do in my class, what impact/change I have on my students. From a class on Curriculum Theory with Lisa Cary, the statement from Dr. Cary, “It is not the class, but the teacher” has stayed with me. It is not the dangerous, narcisistic draw of the statement, but the implication that there is more going on in the classroom than the stated objectives or TEKS of the course. The curriculum is always broader than the course outline, and the manifestation of the unstated curriculum occurs in the presence of the teacher: what he or she brings to the class with her existance/experience as a human being in relation to the academic subject being taught.

  • Risk

    by

    Fear lies in the demarcation
    between this desire and action:

    a hand trailed, fingers dancing lightly,
    down the length of her spine,

    unrealized except in the metaphor
    of this pen’s nib across the page,

    the sensuous play of the word
    as it unfolds the world we become.

    Yet to crawl out of my skin,
    to escape the constellations

    of my collective guilts,
    would be to woo myself away

    from all that I am and cross
    into only that which I deplore.

  • Another Construct

    by

    this world unfolds
    like a bad script
    the dialog
    the plot twists
    become the cliches
    of these lines

    yet they are here
    in front of me
    despite themselves

    as if my friends are reading
    off of this page now as I write
    the words spill from their mouths
    like grapes from Dionysius

    do I write what they say
    a stenographer documenting the day
    or is my script their script

    creation :: imitation :: mockery :: me

  • What Was Said

    by

    A conversation is cut complete
    from nonexistent cloth.
    The idea embedded in a casual phrase
    slips into the sludge of my meandering thought.
    Everything’s imbued with meaning;
    Nothing lacks for significance.

    Days pass, then weeks:
    I return to what was said
    like a child picks a scab – –
    Look! there it is again
    bleeding its tendril roots
    into paranoid fantasies of desire.

    Each word, each syllable,
    each intonation massaged
    like fingers fiddling over prayer beads
    for a meaning (my meaning),
    some pattern in an ever-shifting context,
    squeezing, like nits, each carved-wood rose
    until the tenuous links in the chain snap
    scattering all across my unsteady floor.

  • Where I Live: We’re not in Kansas Anymore, or Oz for that Matter.

    We live in a rainbow of Chaos.
    Paul Cezanne

    Viola: Thy reason, man?
    Feste: Troth, sir, I can yield you none without words; and
    words are grown so false, I am loath to prove reason with them.
    William Shakespeare, Twelfth Night, Act 3, scene 1

    I exist in a postmodern universe. It does not matter that most of my life is in a world of modernity; I exist in the post-modern. Even if in All That is Solid Melts into Air, Marshall Breman claims that the post-modern is just another manifestation of the modern, which is repeatedly building up a world only to tear it down again; the post-modern exists in reaction to the modern. When I was working on my Master’s degree in English literature in the early 90s, the best definition of the difference between the modern and the postmodern that I came across was that both recognized the chaos of the universe, yet modernism tried to impose an order on the chaos, whereas the postmodern accepts and revels in the chaos. Although I would like the world to be a predictable normal place, thus the attraction of positivism, the randomness of my experience belies that possibility. And as Nietzsche wrote, “In the end one only experiences oneself.”
    I am also attracted to the postmodern paradigm because of the importance that language plays in the unfolding of thought. “One must be ready to hold word and concept in precarious tension. What this means, above all else, is that in every sign there remains the trace of ‘the other’ that eludes our grasp.” (Crotty 2003, p. 206) When I was in third grade I became enthralled by my first encounter with the paradoxical nature of language when I thought: “Nothing has to be something, or it wouldn’t have a name.” I realize now that there is more to ontology than the words we use to negotiate our encounters with the world, but language, or some other sign system of similar nature, is also the only tool we have in which to hold the conversation we have, even if the conversation is only with ourselves. I listen to my students as they struggle with giving meaning to their lives, most often the discourses they employ to this end are choked with clichés and pat phrases inherited from the dominant culture At best words allow us a way to control how we grapple with the world “always already here,” while at the same time language controls how and what we are able to say. “As Lyotard insists, there is no metanarrative that can bring things together for us. There is no language and our language games are thoroughly fragmented.” (Crotty 2003, p. 212) The ineffable is that which is on the tip of our tongues.

    (from an essay I wrote for a doctoral class in 2006)

  • Party

    by

    more than an amalgam of voices
    images fly in a mad pastiche

    the connective threads flit out
    like fly fisherman in rivers of dream
    casting lines to catch more
    than what makes up my world

    lost in what to say
    I cough a stammer
    take another drink
    mumble another inanity,

    “Yeah, right, what a game – – “

    then like a squirrel frozen
    halfway across the street
    not knowing, like Macbeth,
    to go or return, I flee

    so much goes by – –
    thirty years and still
    the same play

    nothing to say
    on the events of the day:
    which celebrity is fucking who
    what Fred said down the hall
    what television show is so hip

    It hurts to hear the delocution of my soul

    I can do nothing with the words given me
    no one hears the words I say

    I move to a corner of the room
    glance at the cover of the one book I see
    a burly man half-clad in the arms of a woman

    I heave a half-smiled sigh
    eyes focused between here
    and somewhere that does not exist

    (December 2009)

  • Talk

    by

    In an infinite array of choices,
    none of which, in their multitudinous
    unfolding of kaleidoscopic cause,
    can be explained nor understood by me,

    I hold myself at a distance through fear;
    fear I can not hold myself together
    in the midst of so many divergent
    voices fragmenting space in centrifuge.

    I speak to myself to define an edge:
    where I manifest and where I leave off.
    I whisper little self-absorbed mantras
    inaudible to the most astute ear,
    building tight levees against an onslaught
    of other people’s infinite chatter.

  • like a frame forms a door

    by

    conversation alone
    will not heal
    despite all my talk
    how we construct
    what we come to know
    through words we share

    silence is often
    the only answer
    the only respite

  • Desire


    passion’s red thread is infinite
    like the earth always under me
    – -Ikkyu

    I want you to smile when you see me.
    I want your eyes to notice me.
    I want to fall into the dark beauty of your eyes.
    I want your mouth to desire me.
    I want your mouth upon me.
    I want your lips upon my lips.
    I want your tongue to lick my neck below my ear.
    I want you to sing the song of the night,
    Sing as I play the piano of you,
    Sing as my fingers slide glissandos through you,
    Sing your song into my mouth,
    Sing with my kisses upon your kisses.
    I want you to wrap me up in your arms and legs
    Pulling me deeper and yet again deeper into your life
    I want you above me and below me endlessly.
    I want you now as I write this, and then again
    Later and tomorrow and tomorrow forever
    To be here next to me yet again in desire.

  • Mad Dog Blues

    by

    My baby has flat feet
    Down by the liquor store.
    My baby has flat feet
    Down by the liquor store.

    But I tell you baby,
    that don’t make her no whore.

    (circa 1980)

  • In What Furnace

    by

    if life were like art
    then there would be
    control enough to make
    decisions that mattered
    more than now as
    entering this room
    I turn on a light
    automatically
    not really needing help
    to see what lay ahead

    routine is no more
    than what we need
    to survive the day
    we make ourselves

  • Shopping

    by

    I watch people,
    observe them in the grocery aisle.
    I feel, sometimes like a predator
    guiltily, as if I were doing
    something wrong
    by watching.

    And then, as if sensing my glance
    they’ll look up,
    from their sleepy-eyed study,
    leaving alone momentarily
    the price of mayonnaise,
    to catch me on the periphery,
    as I move my cart down the aisle.

  • Thoughts on My Students

    My students are troubled by freedom. They gripe about what they are expected to do in my colleagues’ classrooms; yet, when I tell them during the first week of school that they have to come up with their own topics, I am met with cries of frustration: “I can’t think of anything to write about,” or, “I don’t have anything interesting to say, nothing has ever happened to me.” Yet when they sit and talk to each other, and are unaware that I can hear what they are saying, my students tell incredible stories: full of import, meaning, depth, and humor. However, the prevailing attitude is that what they have to say, because it is about them, cannot be of any value. So they write simple narratives that lead the reader through a series of fairly inconsequential events: “and that was my day at the water park,” or “. . . my new car made me so happy.” They have had the native sense of storytelling beaten out of their writing by teachers who demand their students follow a formulaic writing style which the teacher and the student thinks is the correct way to write an essay.
    From the time I went back to become certified to teach in the mid-1980’s, the “five-paragraph theme” and its permutations has been derided, yet it thrives like kudzu in the high school classroom and beyond. After my professor, in a well respected East Coast graduate program, explained what he expected in an essay, I argued with him telling him that he was simply asking for a more glorified five paragraph theme. To my horror, he agreed, and did not see anything wrong with that description, even though in the composition classes next door the profs contradicted his view. Virginia Wolff described the essay as a mind tracking itself. The writer is engaged with exploring the topic before her. The essay is a way for ideas to be developed and for the writer to discover meaning in the topic that they did not see before they began writing. The essay is not a pre-determined form to fill with gooey words, wait for them to solidify, and then show it off like some easy bake oven cake.
    And that is the problem. It is not that my students don’t have deep concerns, nor are they as ignorant as some of my fellow teachers think. They have very rarely been given the time or the occasion to write, think seriously about, or to make meaning out of the world they see around them. They have been enmeshed in what Paulo Freire calls the “banking system” of education, where we teachers deposit bits of trivia and formulae into their heads, then they spit it back out like ATM’s on a test. One of the constant gripes one hears in the press about the school system is that our students aren’t prepared, they can’t problem solve. Yet, the solution that is offered is usually more-of- the- same: more of the same kind of education that has led us to the very problem people complain about. Fixing a problem by increasing the amount of activity which caused the problem in the first place is not a solution.
    Learning, real learning, where students engage with the subjects they are expected to learn about by engaging in the type of activities people in those fields of study actually do is a solution. (Situated peripheral learning) In English Language Arts, my field, students are expected to learn to read and write. Once they have moved past decoding letters and words, students need to read and write. Real readers and writers, read and write and think about reading and writing. The ability to make meaning from text and to create their own meaning through writing should be the goal of every high school English class. This is not done through endless worksheets where students underline “tone” words, or reading a book out loud to the whole class (because “they won’t read it on their own”), or having the students memorize a list of random words for a vocabulary test on Friday. The students must read and write.
    And that is the problem. My students are troubled because they don’t know how to choose a book to read, because the teacher has always told them what to read; or they have become stuck in a single genre. They see writing as a way to feed back pre-fabricated ideas and opinions to the teacher who gave them the ideas in the first place.